Emotional Debt September 28, 2008

**Now playing in my atmosphere…”Tears Dry On Their Own”-Amy Winehouse**

Part 1…The Haunting…

I do believe that it is inappropriate to haunt people in their sleep. At least when I’m awake I have the opportunity to find something else to focus on, but in my sleep…there is no where to run. I think the most messed up thing about the whole situation is that if you must come to me in my dreams, at least have the decency to let me win in my own dream..damn.

I know he doesn’t deserve me…I’m better than that…His loss…blah blah blah, but why isn’t any of this stuff comforting a year later. If it takes half the time you had feelings for someone to get over them…I’m looking at like 2 more years. Seriously, I might need to see a therapist, for someone that is typically poised, I’m feeling a bit irrational.

Sometimes I wonder what would it would be like if I would have never told him the truth…

I know…I’d be watching him love another woman….ehh…yeah so I’m glad I told the truth…I’m sure that wouldn’t hurt any less.

Let’s be clear…it’s not like I think of this man everyday.  I haven’t thought about him recently, not since I’ve been passing more time with the past.  And there he was in my dream last night…clear as day…out of reach as always.  This time I called out to him and he looked at me and then turned his back and went the other way.

Yo.

Seriously. I woke up upset.  Do you think it’s insane to want to call someone and tell them…just please leave me alone completely.  We’ve said goodbye in the physical…now leave me the hell alone in the metaphysical…

I’m trying to make due with the pseudo-closure I gave myself…I’m not sure why it’s not working.

Hmm…as Amy says…”I wish I had no regrets…no emotional debts…”

Uh Oh… September 12, 2008

**Now playing in my atmosphere…”Fatal Lovesick Journey”-Joi**

Part 1…Peek-a-Boo…

Hi…remember me…sueZette…also known as the extremely inconsistent blogger…that is supposed to be the “owner” of this blog…

Maybe inconsistent is an understatement.  I’ll blame my professional life for sucking my energy and driving me away from my private pleasure, because of course that’s what writing is for me.  AND GOD FORBID A SISTA MIGHT WANT A LITTLE BIT OF PLEASURE IN HER LIFE…UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH.

LOL.

As always I make no promises. I can’t, because then I’d be a liar if I said I’d be back here often.  Reading some of the stuff from last year…hmmm…it still has a little bit of a sting on it.  What’s that saying about healing…half the time…blah blah blah.  At this point I just want to forget about everything prior to September 13, 2007.  Maybe that’s why I showed up here…its the near the anniversary of the end of a chapter in this great book called my life…and ironically enough I’m listening to Fatal Lovesick Journey.

A sign?  Or coincidence?

I could use a scalp massage right about now…a nice slow one….

True story…I’ve become friends with the past.  Depending how far back you go in the history of my stint as a blogger (ca. 2003 at www.suezette.blogspot.com) you know about my gloriously horrendously fabulously horribly fantastic situation with this guy known as Pretty Ricky (no real names to protect the not so innocent).  I have tried my hardest…my damned hardest to keep things innocent.

*Sigh* I think maybe I’m bored.  I’m not lonely. I’m not sure what this is about. We’re at this weird place.  We’ve picked up the habit of at least talking online like almost everyday. He’s matured I guess…change is the only guaranteed right. I’m anti-overanalyzing…so I’mma just say…whatever the hell is going to happen is going to happen. Unlike my younger sibiling…I’m no sucker for love ass chick…LMAO…I’m sure K.T. would not be pleased that I called him that publically.  LOVE YOU BROTHER FROM ANOTHER MOTHER!

I’ll admit…I’m enjoying the person he’s become…and while it may be smoked glass….I hope not.  I would like to think that bad can embrace good and make itself better.

Ok we did have one slip up…what…damn…I am only human people…and I’m Scorpio…and it had been like 5 months…and I have no clue why I’m explaining myself…and it was better than I remembered…and I can’t say I wouldn’t mind making that mistake again.

He’s my Hennessey & Red Bull…

I’ll be back…lol

I won’t complain…. May 17, 2008

**Now playing in my atmosphere…”Feeling Lonely”-Liv Warfield**

Part 1…Untitled…

I always wondered how someone could end up drinking an entire bottle of wine.

As I sip on my fourth glass of La Serra’s Moscato D’ Asti….on a quiet Friday night…I have excepted the fact that…things like this can only happen accidentally. Noone…starts with a glass intentionally seeking to finish the bottle, but there’s something comforting in the smooth..sweet nectar as it slides down your throat and fills your senses.

I have some nerve even being here.

Sue me…I’m in a writing mood and this is my blog of course. Filled with things I probably shouldn’t have said and things I’m glad I did.

My living room is the perfect writing temple . Dark…windows and sliding door open….candlelight tickling the walls. A glass of wine at my side. Liv Warfield singing to my soul.

I miss writing. I miss my blog. This blog. My old blog. I miss blogging. I miss freeing myself.

Time for another glass.

Seriously, if you’re ever in World Market…get a bottle…I don’t think there is anything as good as this stuff. I’m probably very tipsy right now and I’ll resign to the fact that I may even be a lil drunk….but I’m ok with that. No need for a designated driver…the only place I’m hoping to make it is up the stairs to my king size…and if not my chaise right over there will do me just fine.

** Now playing in my atmosphere…”No Idea”-Algebra Blessett*

This is real music yall. Music that lives.

“So I go on…with my foolish prrriiiiiide….walking away……though deep inside, I want to stay….”

If you’re new to my blog this name probably means nothing to you, but my old friends…should know him…at least fairly well.

I found Dreads on MySpace and while we’ve exchanged messages…he won’t accept my friend request so I canceled it. I actually don’t know what I thought would happen…you know when I found him. Our terms whether we were pretending to be something we weren’t or simply being friends…we always pretty good. I mean yeah it’s been like 2 years since either of us has picked up a phone, but I console the fact that maybe his life is so horrible without me in it that he doesn’t want me to see…how he lives now.

Actually that doesn’t console me.

That makes me sad.

How could someone that once said the words I love you. Not accept your friend request on MySpace.

I told him the truth…I miss us.

He told me the truth…he’s seeing someone.

I told him the truth…I just want to be friends

He didn’t accept my friend request.

Although every time I change my profile picture he comments….

5 years too late.

He’s not the one.

Although he did say I love you first.

I wasn’t in love with him. But I do love him. I probably always will. Dreads isn’t the one. Shit I’m not his one. This muthafucka didn’t accept my friend request.

I got a call today from this guy I’ve known since I’ve been in Atlanta. Ron always said that she thinks he had a crush on me. Maybe. I’ve always kinda dug him.

Folks we are one glass away from an empty bottle…stay tuned.

Maybe I’ll call him back.

I always like running into him…he remembers things I forgot I told him. I remember things he’s forgot that he’s said. We laugh…exchange friendly touches…and laugh some more.

Maybe I won’t call him back. I’ll see him next week and coyly say, “Hey I got your message, thanks for the invite…”

It’s cold outside in May…I’m not quite sure what that’s about. Gas is high and it’s cold in May…what next?

I gotta make sure I wear a shirt that emphasizes the CLEVE….”Hey…sorry I missed your call….you got my first drink?”

I’ve decided that if “One” does come along…I’m not ready.

It’s been like 9 months since I talked to “Number One” I have since convinced myself (although not successfully) that he was not “The One”. I’m still working out the kinks on the other things I haven’t quite gotten over like…what one thing could I have changed to make things different.

I have resolved that things happen the way they’re supposed to.

I threw deuces…he let me walk away…it wasn’t meant to be.

And I’m ok with that…now.

I wasn’t then.

But now I understand that loving him quietly was the way it was meant to happen and losing him quietly…well lets flip that losing me quietly was the way it was written. Probably the way it was going to be regardless.

He wasn’t “the one”

Well folks…my mission is complete…the bottle is empty.

I’ll be back…soon…

The B.I.G. Girl’s Guide To Life January 8, 2008

Hey beautiful people…while I try to figure on what’s gong on with this blog…check out my new blogzine The B.I.G. Girl’s Guide To Life!  I hope to see you all over there soon.Kissez,

SueZette

www.bgguide.net

…Sent from my heart, I mean my H-U-R-T…-from “Love Letter” by Kevin Michael November 20, 2007

**Now playing in my atmosphere…”Like You’ll Never See Me Again”**

 

Part 1…Here I Stand…

 

I’ve had beef with my blog yo.

That’s why I’ve been avoiding this joint like a plague.

For me..writing is admitting.

As long I don’t write…it remains a thought or a feeling…

Abstract.

Writing gives me clarity…too much clarity sometimes..

And it hurts a lot…admitting hurts…

And so I’ve been avoiding my blog to spare myself…

 

Damn…it’s been a minute.

So much…too much…has happened.

I don’t even kind of have a clue of where to start.

 

I bought a house…

which I love.

 

I had a fling…

which turned out to be THE BEST SEX OF MY ENTIRE FREAKIN LIFE….

yes indeed!

 

and

 

I told Number One…

two months ago…that I never want to speak to him again…

via text message…and haven’t heard from him since.

And I’m feeling really hollow about it for some reason.

 I’m waiting to get to the point where it’s a distant memory, but for now it’s a current ache.

 

Yeah I’m not ready to talk about that just yet…

gimme a sec.

“There’s no more room left to grow, and you won’t find yourself till you leave me….” from “Gone” by Esthero October 15, 2007

**Now playing in my atmosphere…”My Love”-Jill Scott**

Part 1…I Suck…

And I know this.

Please believe that haven’t been writing because I’ve had so much going on.  Some days it seems like too much, but I do think about my blog often and what I have and have not done.

I’ll be back soon…with many stories to share…

“Nothing comes from nothing…nothing ever could”-from “Something Good” from the Sound of Music Soundtrack August 13, 2007

**Now playing in my atmosphere…Random Noise @ Whole Foods**

 

Part 1…50 More Thangs…

 

So where was I…hmmm…

 

51. I recently met a much older man that would like to take me out

52. While I’ve never considered dating a more “mature” man

53. The gold digger that resides in the back of my closet is chanting “Show me the money…”

54. I’m just saying..I do have dreams of my X3

53. I need to a hire a maid before I can’t find anything in my house

54. I feel sorry for whoeever I marry because I despise house work

55. I’m so thankful for all of the great opportunities, blessings, and challenges the Lord has brought into my life

56. I feel myself become a better person

57. And I love her

58. I need to start going to the gym

59. I have a destination wedding next August in Jamaica that I’ve gotta be extra fine for

60. I wish I was closer to my family that lives in Atlanta

61. I also think bonding should be a two way street

62. Its amazing that I’m closer to most of my friends that I am to people I share blood with

63. I hate to say it, but sometimes blood isn’t thicker than water…it’s just another color

64. I’m ready to upgrade my blog

65. I’m ready to upgrade my life as a writer

66. I need better time management

67. If I stay in Atlanta I’m planning on buying a house

68. I actually want a townhouse somewhere in the city

69. I love being a city girl and I wouldn’t have it any other way

70. I’ve decided that for me love will be a journey

71. And I’m waiting patiently for the man that will join me on that journey

72. I’m all for seeing the glass as being half full

73. But I recognize that sometimes…it’s running on empty

74. Writing this list is hard for me

75. Because I feel like there are things that I’m leaving out

76. But I mean…I’m more than 100 things

77. My composition is infinite

78. Giving up chicken and red meat has really changed the way my body functions

79. So has the daily venti Caramel Macchiato from Starbucks

80. That was a really bad habit to pick-up

81. But I’m sure it could be worse

82. I’m going to officially do my modeling portfolio sometime this fall

83. I took headshots earlier this year

84. But I’ve been lazy about telling Brandon which ones I want him to spruce up

85. I’ve adjusted my oldest son and daughter’s names… Czar Gerrod and Noire Ali…the emperor and the fighter

86. I don’t care what people think especially when people got children named after rainbows and pots and pans

87. I’mma try to get to work before 9 tomorrow

88. Considering I slept for like 11 hours today…I think I’ve had all of the sleep that I need

89. If I could change one thing about myself I’d change my hair color

90. And considering I do that at least twice a year anyway…

91. I’ve loved two men in my life

92. And though neither have ended in infinity

93. It won’t stop me from loving again

94. I’m ready to be open and to give and receive

95. The advice I would give any woman is…

96. Live….

97. I’m living proof

98. That it is possible

99. I live everyday

100. To become new

101. And I love every second of it 

” ‘Good-bye’ is just as good of an ending, as it is a beginning…”-SueZette, 2007 August 5, 2007

**Now playing in my atmosphere….”Take the Box”-Amy Winehouse**

 

Part 1…One to 101…

So I saw Tee had redone hers last month…and I was like what the hell…let me revisit my 101 thangs list…

 

1. When I was a little girl I went by my middle name…Yasmin

2. I used to get upset if anyone called me SueZette

3. Everyone on my mother’s side of the family goes by their middle name

4. I couldn’t imagine not being SueZette now

5. I sat in my house and cried for 30 minutes after reading/watching this last night…

6. I’m thinking about moving to Ghana for a year….2009

7. My 4 year anniversary for living in Atlanta is August 15, 2007

8. I never imagined that I would be here that long

9. I really want either a BMW x3 or x5

10. I am not too good for a used one

11. It would be a very nice 26th birthday gift to myself

12. Carmax here I come!

13. When I graduated from kindergarten I said that I wanted to be a photographer

14. Now I really want to be a writer

15. I’ve decided that I do want to have children even if I don’t get married

16. Somedays I wake up and I don’t want to talk to anyone

17. It’s those days that I just want to write and write and write

18. I’m a firm believer in when I blow up…we all blow up

19. Fame won’t change me

20. Have I mentioned that I WILL BE FAMOUS one day

21. I need to get my ends trimmed

22. I haven’t kissed anyone since April

23. I like kissing

24. I like it a lot

25. I tried to call Number One and tell him it’s best we don’t speak to each other anymore…he didn’t answer

26. I’mma tell him when he calls me back

27. I’m ready to say it and I never thought I would be

28. I’ll always love him as a person

29. I love me more though

30. I have a purse fetish

31. They don’t have to be expensive…just unique

32. I am also overcoming an addiction to MAC…especially the eyeshadows

33. I have almost 100 shades

34. I just think its a better addiction than say…crack

35. I’m currently in the midst of a 4 month fast from red meat and chicken

36. The first week was hard

37. But I’ve broken the cravings

38. Hopefully this fast will lead me toward more clairty

39. I have a very private piercing

40. I am not ashamed of it

41. I think I want to get a nose ring next

42. I wouldn’t tell my partner…I’d let him find it

43. It’s not freaky…it’s experimental

44. I haven’t been home since February

45. I miss my mummy terribly

46. Maybe I’ll sneak away next month

47. It would be nice to sneak away in a new car

48. A 6.5 hour drive should be done in style

49. This list is making me sleepy

50. I’ll do the other half tomorrow

“You know sometimes we ummm, we don’t recognize our dreams inside…our reality and uh other times we’re not aware of exactly what’s real …”-from “Sunshine” by Floetry July 31, 2007

**Now playing in my atmosphere…”Best Friend”-Tweet f/ Bilal**

 

Part 1…Cute….

 

I despise the word “cute.” Straight up leaves this itchy and dry feeling in the crack of my arse. Add that to the fact that I feel like hot garbage right now…and you get a not lovin it’ SueZette.

Cute needs to be reserved for descibing toddlers, cartoon characters, elves, etc., and not used to describe grown ass women paying very real ass bills. Ya dig?

 

I cringe when people refer to me as cute…and I have to remember in some realm far away from my own its meant to be a compliment. Instead of a biting response…I usually muster a smirkish-smile and say…”Thanks”…all the while thinking…kiss my cute…

 

Which is why it perplexed me last Monday when a gentleman that was holding doors for me..while I lugged my suitcase to my office in preparation for my trip to New York stopped me on my way out of the elevator to tell me that I had cute toes…and all I did was pause…grin…and say thank you. Why didn’t the “cute compliment” sound like a witch scratching the hell out of a chalkboard???

 

It might have had something to do with the fact that I was amazed that he’d taken the time during the 5 minute trek from the parking deck to the elevator to get from the top of my kinky curly head to my bright pink toes peeking out of my cream colored sandals.

The whole encounter was a little weird actually. I mean only I would pack a 41.5 lbs suitcase for a two day trip to NYC…forgetting I was going to have to lug it to work since I was taking MARTA to the airport. As I hopped out of the elevator…verbally lashing myself for overpacking…I looked up to find this tall..attractive man…holding the door open for me.

Honestly, I wasn’t paying attention to him…I was too excited by the fact that I didn’t have to juggle my bags and the door. I didn’t even notice as he rushed around me to open the second set of doors, still caught up in thinking about what the hell I packed.

 

I got a good look at him after I heard a voice behind me say…”I’m not following you…I work in the building too.” I finally looked up at him and said with a smile…I didn’t think that. I was just wondering why there weren’t more automatic door openers so you wouldn’t have to do all of this door opening for me. I took him all in…noticing his height…nice posture..and handsome face…

Over 6′3” check…pretty smile check…hmmm…

 

I thought we’d parted ways as he stopped to dap up the guard and I made my way with all of my crap to the elevator; when he quickly rejoined me at the elevator and pushed the up button before I had a second to think about it.

I only had one floor to go, and as I exited his world stage left…he said, “You’ve got some cute toes…”

Maybe I’ll run into him again…

 

THANK GOODNESS FOR GREAT PEDIS…LMAO

 

“I don’t wanna know what’s under your disguise…And I don’t need to see what’s on the inside…Let me enjoy this cause it was all just a beautiful lie…”-from “Beautiful Lie” by Esthero July 23, 2007

**Now playing in  my atmosphere…”Now You’re Gone”-Floetry**

 

Part 1…Vain Moment…

I like this picture of myself…

Thank you for indulging me in my vain moment…I’m in love with my eyebrows…I now return you to your regularly scheduled blog entry…LMAO…

 

Part 2…Love-n-Marriage…

 

So I found out that a good friend of mine just got engaged and I am so excited for her….man…I can’t believe I’m starting to book my weddings for 2008 already.  I think this makes 4.  Wow.

I guess this is the age that people decide to have and to hold until death do they part. 

Hmmm…not to say that I am not interested in a wedding….it’s the married part I can’t quite grasp.  Considering the one person that I’ve ever thought seriously about spending eternity with has banished me to emotional girlfriendom…I don’t know where I stand on that issue.

 

But the wedding…yo…the wedding is the part I can’t wait for.  Talk about party with a purpose…I’m Jamaican…and if you’ve been to a Caribbean wedding…you know…it’s a bashment fi true!  Yeah…yeah…yeah….I know what I want my colors to be…Eggplant (I’m changing the name to Her Majesty…since it looks a lot classier on the program than Eggplant), Ivory, and Champagne. I know my mother’s giving me away. I want my own best man (Xavier).   I know I’m having one matron of honor (Kimberlee) and two maids of honors (Meca & Diana).  I know I’m having 10-12 bridesmaids.  I know I’m having 2 junior bridesmaids.  I know I”m having 2 flowergirls. 

What I don’t know is…WHO DA HUSBAND? LMAO.

 

Last weekend my mother and I…for some odd reason had this entire conversation about me getting married.  I admitted that in some past, present, or future life…I thought Number One was meant to be my husband.  She said if he wasn’t just make sure that my husband was from the Line of David. 

Homegirl rendered me speechless.  The Line of David?  Now ain’t that some deep ish to say.  Xavier was like..what can you say after somebody tells you that…

Exactly.

 

Part 3…Zette On The Net…

Check out my girl Ms. Tee’s new e-zine Share My Dreams…featuring your’s truly….

http://www.te-erika.com/2007/07/free-your-mind-living-in-big-girls.html